The year is leaving us, my friends. The end is in sight as the months barrel past in a blur. The weather changes, you dress up for Halloween, and before you know it...someone is smiling broadly and saying something ridiculous like "Tis The Season!"
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
Well, maybe I've picked up one or two things over the course of my seasonal torture sessions. Firstly, you should get a good support system around you for your inevitable drunken episode and subsequent trip to rehab. Secondly, stay away from your family until you absolutely can't avoid it. Thirdly, and most importantly, don't go anywhere near a shopping mall. Shopping malls are dinosaurs. We have the Internet now and we should probably learn how to use it.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
What are people trying to say when that silly phrase passes their lips? Isn't it an incomplete thought? Tis the season for what? Football? Cheese rolling? Misery and pain? A shiver of fear runs up my spine when I think about overly crowded malls and the germs people rub against me. I'll never learn my lesson. I should just stay home.
Well, maybe I've picked up one or two things over the course of my seasonal torture sessions. Firstly, you should get a good support system around you for your inevitable drunken episode and subsequent trip to rehab. Secondly, stay away from your family until you absolutely can't avoid it. Thirdly, and most importantly, don't go anywhere near a shopping mall. Shopping malls are dinosaurs. We have the Internet now and we should probably learn how to use it.
A really helpful trick that I've learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees...it doesn't matter at all. As long as the tees seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Holiday clothing is like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It's some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being "girls", and turn into "women". It's an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It's like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
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